Change your mind ~ change your body

Posts tagged “thoughts


About the year of 2014 and what is coming in 2015

Hello guys!


I know it has been so long since I’ve sum up my goings in here. But I promise I’ll try to do it more often this upcoming year. I have so many plans and my life has FINALLY started to roll to right direction – well, the direction I wanted it to go for so long!

If I should check how my promises for the year 2014 went. Here they are!



Saerwen’s goals for the year 2014!


– Well I think I was surprisingly healthy, but towards the end of the year I had one flue and really bad stomach flue. Had like 5 flare ups during the whole year which isn’t much.

2. Get in to school – finally

– YES. Yes I did! I’m currently in school for becoming a laboratory assistant and going to definitely apply further after finishing this school. Now I feel like I’ve started to work towards my ultimate profession and it makes me feel super greatful.

3. Lose some fat and get my bf around 20%

– I didn’t get around 20 %, but I did loose some fat and gain a lot of muscle. Which is good. Although now looking back this promise I feel a bit silly, but hey, that’s what I wanted and that’s what I aimed for! Haha.

4. Live life

– I have experience so many new things past year. I went so see ice hockey, went on a cruice, got into this floorball team, got plenty of new friends… Woah. So much happend in this year. In good in bad. And I can say finally that I LIVED the year 2014.


Last year had in one of the most shcoking thing in my life. Never thought I would be experience that much pain as I did, even though I kind of understand it – believe it or not. Life is too short to live hoping your dream come true than making it true and I got cruel reminder about it. But I’ve moved on and let go of it. It hurt and almost tore me apart, but I’m stronger than that. I wish best of the luck all of them and have no hard feelings!

It’s been really amazing rollacoaster ride though. Not all that bad. So many people I wanna thank about this amazing year, but one above all is my bf. He’s been my rock when everything else has come falling down and I thank him for putting up with my sh*t. I got lucky, truly did! And the other is my family – having that one place to go and turn everything off is truly a blessing.

He’s also one of the main reasons I started playing floorball again. I didn’t have any faith in my skills and I still am a rookie taking consideration my age, but I never would have thought that I would be able to be part of something so amazing as my team. They are amazing, talented bunch of ladies and I am so honored to be able to practice and spend time with them. Go Welhot!


Here’s pictures about the year 2014 and the best parts of it!





So what am I wishing for the year 2015

1. Keeping my health as good as it is now

2. Be a much better floorball player

3. Be successful at school

4. Learn to be as positive person towards myself as I am towards others


This year’s wishes are actually more mental than physical. Yes I wanna keep improving my skills as a player but more importantly I want to learn deal with myself as a player. As this new me that I am these days. My life is hectic, my life is living a day by day hour by hour and can’t much schedule my life ahead. So I need to learn to except it and grow with it. It is a pretty amazing year coming and I wanna make the most of it!


Maria Saerwen

The thought corner with Saerwen: Ice Hockey

Since this has been a lot on the plate lately I decided to make my opinions clear.

Source: click the image

As anybody who knows even a bit about me knows that I adore WC games and Olympic hockey games. Lately my opinions about the great big hockey countries have made some people start arguing with me about the topic. Let me get this straight: YES, I’ve said that I have this kind-of-sort-of hatred towards Canada and US hockey teams. Why? Well, I can say now that maybe hatred is a bit too harsh word. I do have huge amount of respect for both countries and their input to this marvelous game, but when it comes to international stage of hockey I can’t help but wonder why they are treated differently? I mean, in Olympic games there are rule that in very Canada and US games there must be a NHL referee no matter referee’s nationality. I actually do get this and understand it, no problem. But still, I find it a bit controversy that you can have Canadian head referee in Canadian’s game… Or likewise with US. Is that really equality when it comes to other European countries? I mean if that’s the case then why can’t there be a Russian referee at Russian’s games? Yes, they are professional and blaablaa but I have to wonder can you really put all that aside if you have at least that ichi bitchy intrest in hockey?

I also won’t be afraid to tell that how I see things. In this game winning is the only thing that counts but if the loosing team played better in my mind or in paper or fight well I will state it. Absolutely. It’s need to be said even though they loose and it’s not about being a bad looser, it’s about stating the facts and saying “Yes we lost but we did do some good things”. As a Finn I hear way too often how our own people disminish our wins and try to find reasons for why we lost. “Omg we didn’t have that good goalie so that’s the reason why we lost”… Usually it ain’t just one thing why you loose. You just simply didn’t do better and/or didn’t have that little bit of luck that is absolutely needed in these games in my mind.

And the other thing: All the big countries trash talk about WC games when they don’t exceed in them. Because there ain’t all the best players and blaablaa.Then they suddenly say that U20 WC games are WAYYY important. So all I wanna say here is that: shut the eff up and be humble! My country’s like “arch enemy” is Sweden and I get a bit horrified every year how great scale that trash talk can get during the WC games of ice hockey. I think the same thing goes around with USA and Canada. It’s insane! Nope. I’m not saying that there shouldn’t be this at all – To a certain mount it’s good and it needs to be there to make the games more interesting, but c’mon…

Source: click the image

It should always be an honor and priviledge to be playing for your country, no matter if the stage is WC games or Olympics. And there are no easy nations in the field of ice hockey these days. For example look at Switzerland – great game at WC 2013 and they almost won gold! Way to go! OR how Slovenia beat Slovakia in Olympics this year. I think the diversity in everything is beautiful. Not all like or should like roses, since lilies are as equally beautiful flower. And we should respect the others even though the healthy amount of nationalism in hockey is always at its place.



Two months hiatus ~

Waz up guys?! Nothing much in here I can assure you. 


So the GHOGH ended up after two months of almost failing it but hold it on as long as I could. I had some major issues with my health and things happening in my personal life so I decided to focus on them fully and get my head back together. It really isn’t but at least I feel like getting back on track with my life and working out. 


I’ve gained few fat kilos and I’m actually fine with them. I thought I could go way worse during this time, but occasional sessions with my barbell set and some good lunches here and there kept me going. Christmas is on our doorsteps and I’m gonna enjoy it and then look the year 2014 with new eyes and goals. 


My goals for next year are: 


2. Get in to school – finally

3. Lose some fat and get my bf around 20%


They don’t sound so bad now when I list them, don’t they? I know that the second goal is gonna be the hardest one. Just started to look up my material that I need to study till May and let me say – I’m a bit freaking out. I want to get into school so bad. I wanna move on with my life. I feel like I’m missing something, I feel like I’m dragging myself towards… Well, nothingness. And it ain’t a good feeling. 


I’m gonna do somekind of “Look back of the year 2013” since this year hold more for me than I ever thought. 


Keep rocking guys! 




GHOGH Week 6 ~ The back problem continues and the gainz so far

So the week 6 behind of my ‘Go heavy or go home’ weightlifting program which general idea was just to start lifting heavier on certain moves.

As many of you might have noticed I haven’t been able to do DL’s in a month and now my rows are on the line also. My back has inflamed and I’ve been trying my hardest to let it rest as much as I can. But it is so damn hard! It’s holiday season starting here today – Monday, 14 October – so for example my floorball practices are off this week.

So I’m gonna focus on the week 7 to really do all the exercises I’ve been planning ‘to do heavier’. Also I’ve been able to do some squats lately (!) so I’ll be focusing on my legs and butt a bit more.

Well now I think everybody is wondering have I gain any results since this past two months have been so rough? I have. I feel more fit and stronger even though it might not show so much. My pr on ohp is over 20kg and that’s A LOT to me. Row is around 45kg and I did DL my own weight a month ago so I take all those things as a positive thing.

But like I’ve said I’ll be doing this program over Christmas and there’s still a lot to go. My main goal now is to make my very best with that ohp AND get visible abs somekind. Three months to do it? I’m up for it!

What’s been going on?!

That’s the question I have had heard so many times that it kills me. And since all the wrong people have done the asking it bothers me even more.

So what has been going on?! To be honest with you guys, not much. Just that I didn’t get into school, I spend my whole summer working, my RA flare up and messed up my right wrist for good and I had a mental break down. Many things in life weren’t suppose to be easy but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish they would be. Just a little.

But like everything in my life show must go on. It seems that I can keep my job for the next year or so, I have moved in my own apartment and I have my re-applying plans to school scheduled. Still, I find myself wondering why am I feeling this hollow?

Like everything in my life shit happens to come all at once. Not just one drop at a time but the whole shit load of bad goods happens to like habit my head all at once. I’m good at multitasking, but trust me guys, even I have my limitations on it. And I HATE how everyone keeps saying “You’ll be fine” “It’s just a bad phase in your life” “You have so much good in your life, look at it!”…. What if I don’t want to be fine? What if it’s actually FINE to NOT BE FINE for awhile?! I’ve never get that. Why can’t you just work through the pain, dwell on it a sec and then just lift your head up from it?

“Because not everybody can Kat”, my online friend told me when I suddenly opened up to him. “If you let someone fell in that rabbit hole they might not get back. You might, but they might not so it’s easier to say the positive thing.”

Sometimes I do think that it would be easier to just fell in that black little space in my head and forget everything. And then I look at myself in the mirror and I can’t do it. Call me selfish but I love myself too much to do it. I remember when they told me as a kid that I was depressed and that they wanted me to see this nice Mr at school so I can talk about my feelings. They always said how my thoughts sounded like someone way mature than me. That how a little girl can identify herself so effortlessly to 40 something guy who had just lost his kids and was running away (he was referring this novel I wrote in school about a guy who robbed a bank to get money for his kids and plaaplaa long story). He was amazed and asked me how I did it. I shook my head said “Idk. I just like to think stuff.” Even today, thinking back “me” sitting on that chair in front of that Mr and saying those words make me smile. Because it’s so true. And so simple. I just like to think stuff.

Even when I’m in pain I still manage to find the good in it – I can always spend a day eating ice cream and watching how House can express how I truly feel towards everyone. And still be witty and hawt as fuck. Heh. Only difference from the depression I’m feeling now and the depression I felt as a kid is the support – I really have none besides my thinking. If I couldn’t process all this in my head it would explode. I can name with one hand’s fingers all the person I can somehow talk irl about this. Because sometimes it’s easier to talk someone online who just happens to gone through the same thing and has way more things to give me than my friends. I can’t expect all my friends to think a lot of stuff. That’s why I have my stories and friends online. They are my modern day shrinks so to say : D And I know they don’t like me saying this but hey… I love you guys anyways so you just have to deal with it. Haha.

Ohhh it’s so late here and I just jabbed for ages. But I wanted to let this out. There is so many people I wish I could have courage to thank. And so many of you guys I have feelings I never even thought I would have for a person I just chat occasionally. Needless to say you are part of my rock that I’ve build through these past hard months and I thank you guys. Not to name anyone, but I wish all of you who reads this knows it in their hearts. I hate to be emotional so I’ll stop now and get back with you guys probably later on this week about my new program and upcoming vblog – which might happend I’m still not sure haha.

The art of dealing with expectations

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There are several reasons why I go to the gym rarely and have the privilege to be able to workout inside my own house. Reasons like money, time, distance, don’t like people staring at me etc, etc. But probably one of the major reasons is my illness and how unpredictable it can be.

Not only I battle with arthritis everyday I suffer another chronic pain due to some shit that went down in my life – you can read it from my page if ya feel to up there “The broken curtain call” if you’re up to some really raw inside view of really heinous fuck ups in human body. You’ve been warned

I’ve been on this journey to let myself go of the past and just be fine with the fact that I had some intestinal shit and I’ll have it till the rest of my life. It ain’t the topic to be discussed about with everyone but it is still a huge part of my life.

I have significantly lower voice than any regular woman. All this is due to my chronic acid reflux that I’ve battle since my early childhood. I can’t eat one/two hours before lifting because if I lift with full stomach it’ll all come up in an instant. Nice? Not really. And it burns. It literally burns your esophagus and vocal chords.

I’ve had problems with my bowels since I can remember but due to some circumstances doctors have never been able to pinpoint what’s exactly wrong. At one point as a child I stopped eating since my stomach was in pain constantly. I’ve been examined so many times and so many ways that I can’t even remember all of the procedures. I have had all the classical symptoms of Crohn’s disease  but they’ve never been able to diagnose it ’cause the meds I take for my RA works also to Crohn’s. In my mind I know I have it or something similar and I just try to live the way that it won’t get irritated as it did in junior high school – constant stomach pain through the last year. Nothing helped.













And yet all these things feels so minor when I compare them to arthritis, how it keeps trying to put me down again and again. Not only I can keep all the above things in secret but this I can’t. Even when I applied to study this spring I had to inform the school that I have this “disability” as they call it and I needed to do the extra work to just prove that I could study in the field I’ve chosen to apply. I’ll need medical certificate and talk about my current health and future with the teachers there. It’s like no matter what I do I’ll always be the one with the disadvantage.

The one who might get sick in future.

The one who might not be able to do this job in a long hall.

But y’know what? I’m up for the challenge. To get even an invite to that exam – which means I’m 1/3 of the applicants who did! – was a one small but great victory to me. I cried when my sister called me and told me that the  mailman had remembered me. I had to sat down, cry and smile. And all I was thinking “Now it’s up to me. I can do this!”

I’ve fought this fight for over 12 years and will battle it till my dying days. I have prove some of them already wrong. This illness is so individual and mine has been under a great control for the past years – minus these few bumps in the road but hey, it’s like someone having a really bad cold and can’t workout or go to work right? But I won’t lie to you – this fight is really tiring. It won’t even start or stop, it’s continuous fight of proving everyone wrong.

















To prove them that I can do WHAT I SAY I can do.

I know my limits. I know the horror pictures that people have created for my future. I know them all. But I also know how you can over come them. How you can try to avoid them. How I work every single day to be able to function as any one of you. And I hope, I really do hope, that someday all of this will be worth it. All the pains and aches in the gym when you feel like your muscles are ready for more but my joints ain’t. How I need to be patient and let my body recover after a flare up.

Every time I grab that bar and deadlift I feel like my knuckles are gonna fall in to pieces – but the pain is worth it. Even when the weight can’t never be my maximum it’s still weight. And that weight is far easier to lift even with a little pain than the expectations and discouragement I face everyday.














Hope you all have a nice Saturday! Just thought I should let my feelings out. Let me know what you thought about the text!


The second home – Missing every moment of it

I’ve always enjoyed working out since it’s always been” my thing”. Since I got diagnosed at the age of 8 with rheumatoid arthritis exercising and being active has been huge part of my life. I kind of grew up to liking it since I can still remember all those annoying group classes at the rehabilitation center that I hated to be participated in. But like my physio told me then and there “It’s not only good for your health but your mind to try things out of your comfort zone, just for once”. So true.

Now, almost 12 years later, I can still remember those words which my physio told me when I was having my tantrum about going and doing some group pilates class at the age of 10 or 11. With her pushing and the help with everyone else that were “forced” to participate I thank them a lot. I miss them. All of them. Some of you may not know but we had here in Finland one of the leading hospitals for rheumatoid arthritis patients and everyone who had something similar condition. Then the government decided at the spring 2010 that it won’t finance the rehabilitation patients in there and it wanted to publicly ask for bids for providing some service from any other rehabilitation center.

I’ve never felt so lost than I felt then. I felt like I was being abandon – being able to go there almost 10 years to same doctor to same physio and have same people taking care of me was so easy! They knew me as a person not as a name on the paper. I remember how I woke up one morning to leave to breakfast and my doctor came across me the hallway with her coffee cup in other hand and papers on the other and she greeted me “Good morning girl! Did you sleep well?” I mean how many places does that really happen, IN HOSPITAL?! It never felt like hospital to me. I spend so much time there that it literally became like my second home. I had the same nurse almost every time I went there and we talked about our lives not only me and my illness.

Not to mention all the friends I’ve made there and I saw regular basis on there since they came from there all around Finland.

The doctor that I had there was the best. She never told me I couldn’t do something. When I expressed that I wanted to try to be a firefighter everyone – including my mom and dad – were horrified and tried to talk me out of it. When we sat down with my doc she looked me in the eyes and said “Kat, I don’t ever wanna tell you that you can’t do something. You can do anything you want, but hope you understand why everyone is so concerned about your dream?” I nodded shyly when she talk to my parents and then she looked at me again and I saw how her eyes were tearing up. “I don’t want to crush anyone dreams and especially not yours. You’re now in excellent condition and if you want I’ll write you that kind of papers that after that it’s up to you if you get in.”

Those words are still very clear in my mind after so many years. How she almost started crying and emphasized how she never wanted to tell me not to try. She truly cared about me but also knew that then and there I could have been able to try and maybe succeed. And that she would have gave me her full support. I didn’t get it then but now when I think of it it makes me feel like I wanna cry – she believed in me when no one else did. And I would need that kind of support still.

The last week just before they went down I was there for a week. The last Thursday that my nurse was on her shift since she had Friday off was awful. When she came to me at the hallway I knew it was the goodbye time – and I totally broke down. Even before she reached out to me to hug me I was already crying and saying “This ain’t fair”. It wasn’t. It still ain’t. So many things were left to say.

I never got to thank my physiotherapist there, since she wasn’t there during that last week. It eats me up the most since she was the one who really got me into being active and challenged this stubborn little kid. We didn’t always see eye to eye – well, we rarely saw eye to eye haha – but her courage and patience with me was amazing. She made me attend the most awfullest group things were I was like the only under 50 person and etc etc. But in between those sessions she thought me probably the most important thing I ever could have learned: it doesn’t matter what you do, when you do or at which age – as long as you do SOMETHING. If I could just shout out and let her know how much I appreciate her hard work I would so do it!

I owe a huge thanks to the whole staff of our section in that building. All the nurses, all the physiotherapists, ophthalmologist, occupational therapist, dentists, doctors, you name them. Without those ten years with the best care of the whole wide world I would have never got this good chance to be as healthy and live a normal life as possible. I’m living prove what early prevention can be at it’s best. People can’t see outside of me that I have something as hard to deal with as RA and yet I still find myself struggle the most common things that I struggled at the age of 8.

You never know how good the things are until you loose them for good.