Change your mind ~ change your body

Posts tagged “pain

Year 2013 sum up: The year of changes

So first month in of the year 2014 and I feel much better. So to get you guys started I’m gonna tell you a bit about my last year and how it changed me not only as a person but how it hold in many big changes in this young girls life.

January 2013

  • I had just graduated from high school and didn’t get to school where I applied.
  • Unemployed person I started to seek jobs and found one as a part time cleaning lady. I spend every other morning cleaning the spaces of local H&M’s clothing department and rest of the time I spend planning my new startegy to get into school that spring. Everything seemed so good and I’ve just started to workout with free weights for REAL.

February 2013

  • I split up with my long term bf and found myself a new job as a secretary for a property management agency. This month was a big blurr to me.
  • Started playing Red Dead Redemption and totally lost myself in it.
  • And actually manage to participate some kick ass parties with my friend

Badasss

March – April 2013

  • I singed my new job contract till the end of the August – TADAA, I was a sales assistant at local real estate agency
  • Started really focus on my up coming entrance exams for spring – Pharmacy and Physiotherapy

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May – June – July 2013

  • Kept working out hard, reading and going to work everyday. At work I was 8h, then spend about an hour to work out and couple hours reading to my exam. I was exhausted.
  • Entrance exam was really hard and failed the Pharmacy one. Physiotherapy went good, but didn’t got in – I missed four points in my total to get in….
  • Started worrying about my up coming fall – job situation, could I move to live on my own?…
  • Animecon, trip to Kotka, then the Kotka’s Maritime festivals with my ex and friends

August 2013

  • Got my job contract continued by a year
  • Got my own apartment and moved in it at 15.8.2013

September 2013

  • Started planning about entrance exam for that fall
  • Started a bulk
  • Met someone, who turned out to be a really special person

Kuva1October 2013

  • Started getting ready for a new exam
  • Started having problems at hip and neck. I had this problem with moving my head and swallowing food. Nothing big yet, so didn’t give it much of a thought.
  • Went out with my dear girlfriend and had an awesome night at the town!
  • Bodywise – I looked the best I’ve looked at October. Seriously. SO DAMN CLOSE to have had ripped abs.

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November 2013

  • The hip and neck problem got worse. Went to a doc, got it sorted out. by December.

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December 2013

  • The most hectic and stressful time at the job. A lot of overtime, dinners and meetings. Almost 0 workouts. Feeling really bad. Thank god I was on the bulk.
  • Had “black Christmas” and new LoTR Blueray box and Despicable me Blueray yay ^.^
  • Had an awesome New years eve with three of my friends

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So there you have it in a nutshell. What a year it was loads of ups and downs – mostly downs – but hey, I made through it! Now all of this is in my past and I’m heading to year 2014 full speed. I already listed my top 3 things for this year but for reminding myself I’ll do it again:

Saerwen’s goals for the year 2014!

1. STAY HEALTHY AS POSSIBLE

2. Get in to school – finally

3. Lose some fat and get my bf around 20%

4. Live life

Someone who has read my blogs before notice that I added one. Yes. LIVE LIFE. With all these pains and rough rouds I’ve learned that no matter what I need to find myself a time to relax and just understand that I can do what I’m about to do and be fine with my past. The last part ain’t easy trust me guys. In my life have happend so many things in such a short time that many says to me that I’ve already live almost one lifetime with my problems. But I’m not gonna settle. Nope. Even though I have questioned my reasons to get up early to go to work I still do it. It gets me forward. Because I can do it.

Now let’s all hope that this year brings me a bit more joy and luck than last year, because sure as hell I’m gonna fight for them!

Later guys!

MariaSaerwen


“Go heavy or go home” week 2, 3 & 4: The rough start continues

Okay so there’s the vblog about the week 2 and about the week 3 I’m gonna just sum it up here.

So my lower back started to really hurt last weekend. I think It got jammed somehow really badly since I couldn’t bent over or do stuff like that at all at the beginning of this week. I went to my physio on Wednesday and asked her opinnion about it. I told her that I thought it was just jammed up muscle but she told me that it can also very well be a flare up.

I won’t lie to you guys this is REALLY eating me up now. A month behind of what should be my new program and I should have tons of new PR’s under my belt but I’ve been barely even sticking to it since I don’t want to make things worse. And the stress at work is also bugging me a lot lately. I feel tired all the time. But there’s been something good in my life also, like some of you may know. But still.

It’s just hard since this time of year I feel sick by my joints all the time and now all this added up it’s really eating my confidence also. I love working out. It’s my way of gettin’ the shit out of my system and get that a few hours of emptiness in my mind. Now I haven’t really got it and I would be going insane if I wouldn’t have such an amazing company by nights. It really is odd to feel like once in your life, after a really bad year, you kind of feel like living again. Minus the body that just wants to fuck me up all the time.

Oh well, you never win anything by whining if you ask me. So my back feels a bit better, I’m gonna hit my floorball practices tomorrow and just feel how it goes. If it goes well then I might do my back routine also tomorrow. Haven’t done DL’s since EVER and I miss them so god damn much. Haha.

Later guys!


The art of dealing with expectations

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There are several reasons why I go to the gym rarely and have the privilege to be able to workout inside my own house. Reasons like money, time, distance, don’t like people staring at me etc, etc. But probably one of the major reasons is my illness and how unpredictable it can be.

Not only I battle with arthritis everyday I suffer another chronic pain due to some shit that went down in my life – you can read it from my page if ya feel to up there “The broken curtain call” if you’re up to some really raw inside view of really heinous fuck ups in human body. You’ve been warned

I’ve been on this journey to let myself go of the past and just be fine with the fact that I had some intestinal shit and I’ll have it till the rest of my life. It ain’t the topic to be discussed about with everyone but it is still a huge part of my life.

I have significantly lower voice than any regular woman. All this is due to my chronic acid reflux that I’ve battle since my early childhood. I can’t eat one/two hours before lifting because if I lift with full stomach it’ll all come up in an instant. Nice? Not really. And it burns. It literally burns your esophagus and vocal chords.

I’ve had problems with my bowels since I can remember but due to some circumstances doctors have never been able to pinpoint what’s exactly wrong. At one point as a child I stopped eating since my stomach was in pain constantly. I’ve been examined so many times and so many ways that I can’t even remember all of the procedures. I have had all the classical symptoms of Crohn’s disease  but they’ve never been able to diagnose it ’cause the meds I take for my RA works also to Crohn’s. In my mind I know I have it or something similar and I just try to live the way that it won’t get irritated as it did in junior high school – constant stomach pain through the last year. Nothing helped.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And yet all these things feels so minor when I compare them to arthritis, how it keeps trying to put me down again and again. Not only I can keep all the above things in secret but this I can’t. Even when I applied to study this spring I had to inform the school that I have this “disability” as they call it and I needed to do the extra work to just prove that I could study in the field I’ve chosen to apply. I’ll need medical certificate and talk about my current health and future with the teachers there. It’s like no matter what I do I’ll always be the one with the disadvantage.

The one who might get sick in future.

The one who might not be able to do this job in a long hall.

But y’know what? I’m up for the challenge. To get even an invite to that exam – which means I’m 1/3 of the applicants who did! – was a one small but great victory to me. I cried when my sister called me and told me that the  mailman had remembered me. I had to sat down, cry and smile. And all I was thinking “Now it’s up to me. I can do this!”

I’ve fought this fight for over 12 years and will battle it till my dying days. I have prove some of them already wrong. This illness is so individual and mine has been under a great control for the past years – minus these few bumps in the road but hey, it’s like someone having a really bad cold and can’t workout or go to work right? But I won’t lie to you – this fight is really tiring. It won’t even start or stop, it’s continuous fight of proving everyone wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To prove them that I can do WHAT I SAY I can do.

I know my limits. I know the horror pictures that people have created for my future. I know them all. But I also know how you can over come them. How you can try to avoid them. How I work every single day to be able to function as any one of you. And I hope, I really do hope, that someday all of this will be worth it. All the pains and aches in the gym when you feel like your muscles are ready for more but my joints ain’t. How I need to be patient and let my body recover after a flare up.

Every time I grab that bar and deadlift I feel like my knuckles are gonna fall in to pieces – but the pain is worth it. Even when the weight can’t never be my maximum it’s still weight. And that weight is far easier to lift even with a little pain than the expectations and discouragement I face everyday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hope you all have a nice Saturday! Just thought I should let my feelings out. Let me know what you thought about the text!

MariaSaerwen


It’s a long and lonely road when you know you walk alone. ~

Last Friday I was heading to my friends house at her birthday party. I promised to my other friend that I’ll pick her up and then we’ll drive there together. As we were driving to our friends house she started telling me how she was so pissed off to her parents since they weren’t believing that she’d make it as a paramedic which she had just applied to study. Since she was afraid of needles everyone kept telling her that she won’t make it.

I felt for her. As a person who everyone has always told that I can’t do this and I can’t do that I knew what she was talking about. And since I was applying to study myself also I’ve had heard more than enough my fair share of this. I couldn’t be physiotherapist since I have rheumatoid arthritis and I couldn’t make it since my body can’t handle it. I could have a hard time opening those pill bottles as a pharmacist so that’s why I might not make a good pharmacist either! Even when I did the online applying there were this small little box that I needed to put a cross on since ‘I might have some limitations, chronic illness or etc that could effect on my work’.

I don’t want to bitch but at least she didn’t need to do that and then pay yourself sick to get a paper from your doctor – who btw doubts you too – that you are enough healthy to sit on your butt and move around without any help. I’ve burned my bagels so many times with this topic that I can only laugh at it anymore. There’s no one around me that believes 100% that I could make it. And it sometimes eats up my own confidence towards it.

And let me just ask – who can predict the future? I can’t and I know there ain’t too many people who even think they can. I just have this feeling that since I have one variable in my formula more than other’s it’ll make me automatically the worst one for the job? Person, who spends more hours taking care of her health than average human being, is still lesser being compare to everyone else so called healthy and limitationsless applicants?

If you ask me, then they should consider smokers and overweight people as ones with ‘limitations’ as well. At least I didn’t get the chance to choose to be chronicle ill for the rest of my life.

And I don’t mean to be rude towards smokers or overweight people or etc. But when I’m in this kind of situation and up to be evaluated I can’t help but to feel like I ain’t the only one who should be scanned thoroughly.

Maybe that’s why I’m grumpy and a bit rude to people when they talk to me these days. Maybe I’m just tired of proving myself all day every day. Maybe, just maybe, one day I could get someone in my family to understand that I know me and what I can do. That someone would believe in me and give me that extra boost when I need it the most. That one time someone would say to me that they are proud of me sticking to my guts and doing what I love. I know there are many things I’ll have to give up as time pass, but not now. Not yet. So is it too much then to ask to be living in the moment and not in the fear of future?

But since the other choice is to give up there ain’t – in my mind – any other choice than suck it up and keep on going.

And prove everyone wrong! Including the doubtful side of me, that people have planted in me.

 

 

Maria Saerwen


What my life is now ~

– Pain meds, loose shoulder and aching hip
– Terrifyig office work as a secretary
– Red Dead Redemption
– Pain
– Working out
– Studying
– More pain
– More working out
– More studying
– Chatting with mah girls
– Shaking my booty to jive, cha cha, etc
– Mi gorda Bella

Here my life in nutshell. Sorry, been too busy to even update my blog. Gonna change it now!

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MariaSaerwen


When you need to be strong – but you don’t want to be

I have been seriously slacking pretty much in everything in my life lately. With this blog, with everything. But I have my own reasons, which I will share some of them here, right now.

 

Usually when the s*it comes down in my life it happens in a big way – it’s all or nothing with me. Not like one bad thing there, another one here, etc. Usually when the bad things hit me they hit all at once and this time was no different to the others. So my health started to show her temper when she didn’t wanted me to practice my split nor my squats.

Let’s make her hip joints inflame and she won’t even walk, now how about that?!

… You cruel bastard.

So yeah, my hips started to show sings of inflammation and serious pain when ever I moved. My right wrist got so stiffed that I could barely move it. I had to eat up my fears and go to my med store and start popping pills like Dr. House but in female version. I killed the biggest pain and was able to move again, thank God.

Then my many years long relationship had met its end. Like there wasn’t things going enough bad way this had to happen right now. Feeling so alone with everything I was so close to fall apart and start really popping pills to kill my emotional feelings as well. I was afraid of loosing control over everything, I needed to work and start to study for my entrance exams and…

But going through rough times before the survivor me took over and kept me from not falling into wrong path. With many tears and brutal mornings when I fought myself out of that bed I finally feel like I can breath again.

Sore feeling and sore body, but still moving on. Laughing with my ex and remembering our path I felt good that we could still be friends and work things out. I was able to open my books and start to study. Working out my core and rows I show the f*ck off to my body that it was me who was control, not her.

 

That’s the way you think, but wait and see–?!

Oh shut up already would ya?!

 

And I even singed up for basic salsa lessons for this spring. So life goes on, even with a steps you won’t see or don’t want to see.

 

I promise to write something nice next time!

Maria Saerwen