Change your mind ~ change your body

Posts tagged “life

The fear of yourself

I’ve been pondering this thing over the last few months or so. Not only I’ve started a new relationship I’ve had a lot health things going on. And the people that really know me understand that when I’m sick I concentrate 100% on my well-being and nothing else. That’s probably the reason why I’ve lost so many great friends over the years – they just don’t understand it.

I don’t like to talk about my personal life since I feel like it’s all I have left in my exposed life with these illnesses and everything. I try to keep the talk on the matter and not discuss at the office’s coffee table about what I’m planning to do on the weekend. Some people understand it, some don’t. A lot of times people see me as a really mysterious and cautious person. Then the other part of people don’t even know what I’m going through and think that I’m perfectly normal garl in her 20’s. I dreaded that I should have to talk about what I’ve been through with total strangers. Why would I? Every time people ask me about my background I could feel the butterflies in my stomach.

But I’ve learnt over the years that I wasn’t afraid of everyone else’s opinions about me. No. I had this huge fear of myself. I weren’t came to grips with what had happened to me. I was ashamed for a long time. Then I met Stascia. I had this sudden courage to speak out loud to her after I’ve read her story. At one night I did. I could feel how she spread her courage in me and couple months afterwards I asked her if she would like to read my story and make the necessary changes to it so it would came out good. And the rest you can read here on the page “The broken curtain call”.

I’m currently at work about to take off and start my weekend. These past few months got me thinking that time when I kind of came out with my story and let myself have a peace. I don’t fear myself anymore. I’ve accepted the facts and moved on. Do I feel bitter at time to times? I do, I’m not gonna lie. All the pains and aches I feel these days are just cruel reminders of my past that try time to time bring my mood down. But I won’t let it happen. I can’t. It’ll be the end of me and I don’t want that. I wanna see what life has to offer me and even though as a bit of pessimist I’ll try to see the good in it.

It’s so strange these days to see that old fear raising its head about the most odd things. I guess you can’t never truly erase any fear, but you can always fight back.

 

 

MariaSaerwen

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Two months hiatus ~

Waz up guys?! Nothing much in here I can assure you. 

 

So the GHOGH ended up after two months of almost failing it but hold it on as long as I could. I had some major issues with my health and things happening in my personal life so I decided to focus on them fully and get my head back together. It really isn’t but at least I feel like getting back on track with my life and working out. 

 

I’ve gained few fat kilos and I’m actually fine with them. I thought I could go way worse during this time, but occasional sessions with my barbell set and some good lunches here and there kept me going. Christmas is on our doorsteps and I’m gonna enjoy it and then look the year 2014 with new eyes and goals. 

 

My goals for next year are: 

1. STAY HEALTHY AS POSSIBLE

2. Get in to school – finally

3. Lose some fat and get my bf around 20%

 

They don’t sound so bad now when I list them, don’t they? I know that the second goal is gonna be the hardest one. Just started to look up my material that I need to study till May and let me say – I’m a bit freaking out. I want to get into school so bad. I wanna move on with my life. I feel like I’m missing something, I feel like I’m dragging myself towards… Well, nothingness. And it ain’t a good feeling. 

 

I’m gonna do somekind of “Look back of the year 2013” since this year hold more for me than I ever thought. 

 

Keep rocking guys! 

 

MariaSaerwen