That’s the question I have had heard so many times that it kills me. And since all the wrong people have done the asking it bothers me even more.
So what has been going on?! To be honest with you guys, not much. Just that I didn’t get into school, I spend my whole summer working, my RA flare up and messed up my right wrist for good and I had a mental break down. Many things in life weren’t suppose to be easy but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish they would be. Just a little.
But like everything in my life show must go on. It seems that I can keep my job for the next year or so, I have moved in my own apartment and I have my re-applying plans to school scheduled. Still, I find myself wondering why am I feeling this hollow?
Like everything in my life shit happens to come all at once. Not just one drop at a time but the whole shit load of bad goods happens to like habit my head all at once. I’m good at multitasking, but trust me guys, even I have my limitations on it. And I HATE how everyone keeps saying “You’ll be fine” “It’s just a bad phase in your life” “You have so much good in your life, look at it!”…. What if I don’t want to be fine? What if it’s actually FINE to NOT BE FINE for awhile?! I’ve never get that. Why can’t you just work through the pain, dwell on it a sec and then just lift your head up from it?
“Because not everybody can Kat”, my online friend told me when I suddenly opened up to him. “If you let someone fell in that rabbit hole they might not get back. You might, but they might not so it’s easier to say the positive thing.”
Sometimes I do think that it would be easier to just fell in that black little space in my head and forget everything. And then I look at myself in the mirror and I can’t do it. Call me selfish but I love myself too much to do it. I remember when they told me as a kid that I was depressed and that they wanted me to see this nice Mr at school so I can talk about my feelings. They always said how my thoughts sounded like someone way mature than me. That how a little girl can identify herself so effortlessly to 40 something guy who had just lost his kids and was running away (he was referring this novel I wrote in school about a guy who robbed a bank to get money for his kids and plaaplaa long story). He was amazed and asked me how I did it. I shook my head said “Idk. I just like to think stuff.” Even today, thinking back “me” sitting on that chair in front of that Mr and saying those words make me smile. Because it’s so true. And so simple. I just like to think stuff.
Even when I’m in pain I still manage to find the good in it – I can always spend a day eating ice cream and watching how House can express how I truly feel towards everyone. And still be witty and hawt as fuck. Heh. Only difference from the depression I’m feeling now and the depression I felt as a kid is the support – I really have none besides my thinking. If I couldn’t process all this in my head it would explode. I can name with one hand’s fingers all the person I can somehow talk irl about this. Because sometimes it’s easier to talk someone online who just happens to gone through the same thing and has way more things to give me than my friends. I can’t expect all my friends to think a lot of stuff. That’s why I have my stories and friends online. They are my modern day shrinks so to say : D And I know they don’t like me saying this but hey… I love you guys anyways so you just have to deal with it. Haha.
Ohhh it’s so late here and I just jabbed for ages. But I wanted to let this out. There is so many people I wish I could have courage to thank. And so many of you guys I have feelings I never even thought I would have for a person I just chat occasionally. Needless to say you are part of my rock that I’ve build through these past hard months and I thank you guys. Not to name anyone, but I wish all of you who reads this knows it in their hearts. I hate to be emotional so I’ll stop now and get back with you guys probably later on this week about my new program and upcoming vblog – which might happend I’m still not sure haha.
I have been seriously slacking pretty much in everything in my life lately. With this blog, with everything. But I have my own reasons, which I will share some of them here, right now.
Usually when the s*it comes down in my life it happens in a big way – it’s all or nothing with me. Not like one bad thing there, another one here, etc. Usually when the bad things hit me they hit all at once and this time was no different to the others. So my health started to show her temper when she didn’t wanted me to practice my split nor my squats.
Let’s make her hip joints inflame and she won’t even walk, now how about that?!
… You cruel bastard.
So yeah, my hips started to show sings of inflammation and serious pain when ever I moved. My right wrist got so stiffed that I could barely move it. I had to eat up my fears and go to my med store and start popping pills like Dr. House but in female version. I killed the biggest pain and was able to move again, thank God.
Then my many years long relationship had met its end. Like there wasn’t things going enough bad way this had to happen right now. Feeling so alone with everything I was so close to fall apart and start really popping pills to kill my emotional feelings as well. I was afraid of loosing control over everything, I needed to work and start to study for my entrance exams and…
But going through rough times before the survivor me took over and kept me from not falling into wrong path. With many tears and brutal mornings when I fought myself out of that bed I finally feel like I can breath again.
Sore feeling and sore body, but still moving on. Laughing with my ex and remembering our path I felt good that we could still be friends and work things out. I was able to open my books and start to study. Working out my core and rows I show the f*ck off to my body that it was me who was control, not her.
That’s the way you think, but wait and see–?!
Oh shut up already would ya?!
And I even singed up for basic salsa lessons for this spring. So life goes on, even with a steps you won’t see or don’t want to see.
I promise to write something nice next time!