Change your mind ~ change your body

Author Archive

Past week in pictures




So have had problems mostly with my knee and took the rest of the week off from practices to get it well. Shucks to miss practices and leg days but I hope it’ll make the recovery a bit faster.



About the year of 2014 and what is coming in 2015

Hello guys!


I know it has been so long since I’ve sum up my goings in here. But I promise I’ll try to do it more often this upcoming year. I have so many plans and my life has FINALLY started to roll to right direction – well, the direction I wanted it to go for so long!

If I should check how my promises for the year 2014 went. Here they are!



Saerwen’s goals for the year 2014!


– Well I think I was surprisingly healthy, but towards the end of the year I had one flue and really bad stomach flue. Had like 5 flare ups during the whole year which isn’t much.

2. Get in to school – finally

– YES. Yes I did! I’m currently in school for becoming a laboratory assistant and going to definitely apply further after finishing this school. Now I feel like I’ve started to work towards my ultimate profession and it makes me feel super greatful.

3. Lose some fat and get my bf around 20%

– I didn’t get around 20 %, but I did loose some fat and gain a lot of muscle. Which is good. Although now looking back this promise I feel a bit silly, but hey, that’s what I wanted and that’s what I aimed for! Haha.

4. Live life

– I have experience so many new things past year. I went so see ice hockey, went on a cruice, got into this floorball team, got plenty of new friends… Woah. So much happend in this year. In good in bad. And I can say finally that I LIVED the year 2014.


Last year had in one of the most shcoking thing in my life. Never thought I would be experience that much pain as I did, even though I kind of understand it – believe it or not. Life is too short to live hoping your dream come true than making it true and I got cruel reminder about it. But I’ve moved on and let go of it. It hurt and almost tore me apart, but I’m stronger than that. I wish best of the luck all of them and have no hard feelings!

It’s been really amazing rollacoaster ride though. Not all that bad. So many people I wanna thank about this amazing year, but one above all is my bf. He’s been my rock when everything else has come falling down and I thank him for putting up with my sh*t. I got lucky, truly did! And the other is my family – having that one place to go and turn everything off is truly a blessing.

He’s also one of the main reasons I started playing floorball again. I didn’t have any faith in my skills and I still am a rookie taking consideration my age, but I never would have thought that I would be able to be part of something so amazing as my team. They are amazing, talented bunch of ladies and I am so honored to be able to practice and spend time with them. Go Welhot!


Here’s pictures about the year 2014 and the best parts of it!





So what am I wishing for the year 2015

1. Keeping my health as good as it is now

2. Be a much better floorball player

3. Be successful at school

4. Learn to be as positive person towards myself as I am towards others


This year’s wishes are actually more mental than physical. Yes I wanna keep improving my skills as a player but more importantly I want to learn deal with myself as a player. As this new me that I am these days. My life is hectic, my life is living a day by day hour by hour and can’t much schedule my life ahead. So I need to learn to except it and grow with it. It is a pretty amazing year coming and I wanna make the most of it!


Maria Saerwen


Local zombies

Forehead wound

Gunshot wound to the chest – on some local mafioso/nazi zombi

Hobo zombie and his friend the mafioso



Photograhper somhow find herself in the shoot…

Boys playing around



That’s it folks! My zombie Sunday is wrapped up hope you enjoy! Haha






Getting ready for Sunday




The thought corner with Saerwen: Ice Hockey

Since this has been a lot on the plate lately I decided to make my opinions clear.

Source: click the image

As anybody who knows even a bit about me knows that I adore WC games and Olympic hockey games. Lately my opinions about the great big hockey countries have made some people start arguing with me about the topic. Let me get this straight: YES, I’ve said that I have this kind-of-sort-of hatred towards Canada and US hockey teams. Why? Well, I can say now that maybe hatred is a bit too harsh word. I do have huge amount of respect for both countries and their input to this marvelous game, but when it comes to international stage of hockey I can’t help but wonder why they are treated differently? I mean, in Olympic games there are rule that in very Canada and US games there must be a NHL referee no matter referee’s nationality. I actually do get this and understand it, no problem. But still, I find it a bit controversy that you can have Canadian head referee in Canadian’s game… Or likewise with US. Is that really equality when it comes to other European countries? I mean if that’s the case then why can’t there be a Russian referee at Russian’s games? Yes, they are professional and blaablaa but I have to wonder can you really put all that aside if you have at least that ichi bitchy intrest in hockey?

I also won’t be afraid to tell that how I see things. In this game winning is the only thing that counts but if the loosing team played better in my mind or in paper or fight well I will state it. Absolutely. It’s need to be said even though they loose and it’s not about being a bad looser, it’s about stating the facts and saying “Yes we lost but we did do some good things”. As a Finn I hear way too often how our own people disminish our wins and try to find reasons for why we lost. “Omg we didn’t have that good goalie so that’s the reason why we lost”… Usually it ain’t just one thing why you loose. You just simply didn’t do better and/or didn’t have that little bit of luck that is absolutely needed in these games in my mind.

And the other thing: All the big countries trash talk about WC games when they don’t exceed in them. Because there ain’t all the best players and blaablaa.Then they suddenly say that U20 WC games are WAYYY important. So all I wanna say here is that: shut the eff up and be humble! My country’s like “arch enemy” is Sweden and I get a bit horrified every year how great scale that trash talk can get during the WC games of ice hockey. I think the same thing goes around with USA and Canada. It’s insane! Nope. I’m not saying that there shouldn’t be this at all – To a certain mount it’s good and it needs to be there to make the games more interesting, but c’mon…

Source: click the image

It should always be an honor and priviledge to be playing for your country, no matter if the stage is WC games or Olympics. And there are no easy nations in the field of ice hockey these days. For example look at Switzerland – great game at WC 2013 and they almost won gold! Way to go! OR how Slovenia beat Slovakia in Olympics this year. I think the diversity in everything is beautiful. Not all like or should like roses, since lilies are as equally beautiful flower. And we should respect the others even though the healthy amount of nationalism in hockey is always at its place.



The fear of yourself

I’ve been pondering this thing over the last few months or so. Not only I’ve started a new relationship I’ve had a lot health things going on. And the people that really know me understand that when I’m sick I concentrate 100% on my well-being and nothing else. That’s probably the reason why I’ve lost so many great friends over the years – they just don’t understand it.

I don’t like to talk about my personal life since I feel like it’s all I have left in my exposed life with these illnesses and everything. I try to keep the talk on the matter and not discuss at the office’s coffee table about what I’m planning to do on the weekend. Some people understand it, some don’t. A lot of times people see me as a really mysterious and cautious person. Then the other part of people don’t even know what I’m going through and think that I’m perfectly normal garl in her 20’s. I dreaded that I should have to talk about what I’ve been through with total strangers. Why would I? Every time people ask me about my background I could feel the butterflies in my stomach.

But I’ve learnt over the years that I wasn’t afraid of everyone else’s opinions about me. No. I had this huge fear of myself. I weren’t came to grips with what had happened to me. I was ashamed for a long time. Then I met Stascia. I had this sudden courage to speak out loud to her after I’ve read her story. At one night I did. I could feel how she spread her courage in me and couple months afterwards I asked her if she would like to read my story and make the necessary changes to it so it would came out good. And the rest you can read here on the page “The broken curtain call”.

I’m currently at work about to take off and start my weekend. These past few months got me thinking that time when I kind of came out with my story and let myself have a peace. I don’t fear myself anymore. I’ve accepted the facts and moved on. Do I feel bitter at time to times? I do, I’m not gonna lie. All the pains and aches I feel these days are just cruel reminders of my past that try time to time bring my mood down. But I won’t let it happen. I can’t. It’ll be the end of me and I don’t want that. I wanna see what life has to offer me and even though as a bit of pessimist I’ll try to see the good in it.

It’s so strange these days to see that old fear raising its head about the most odd things. I guess you can’t never truly erase any fear, but you can always fight back.




August 2013 to January 2014

Early October

Late october. It was like this or without any snow until January.

January 2014

Year 2013 sum up: The year of changes

So first month in of the year 2014 and I feel much better. So to get you guys started I’m gonna tell you a bit about my last year and how it changed me not only as a person but how it hold in many big changes in this young girls life.

January 2013

  • I had just graduated from high school and didn’t get to school where I applied.
  • Unemployed person I started to seek jobs and found one as a part time cleaning lady. I spend every other morning cleaning the spaces of local H&M’s clothing department and rest of the time I spend planning my new startegy to get into school that spring. Everything seemed so good and I’ve just started to workout with free weights for REAL.

February 2013

  • I split up with my long term bf and found myself a new job as a secretary for a property management agency. This month was a big blurr to me.
  • Started playing Red Dead Redemption and totally lost myself in it.
  • And actually manage to participate some kick ass parties with my friend


March – April 2013

  • I singed my new job contract till the end of the August – TADAA, I was a sales assistant at local real estate agency
  • Started really focus on my up coming entrance exams for spring – Pharmacy and Physiotherapy


May – June – July 2013

  • Kept working out hard, reading and going to work everyday. At work I was 8h, then spend about an hour to work out and couple hours reading to my exam. I was exhausted.
  • Entrance exam was really hard and failed the Pharmacy one. Physiotherapy went good, but didn’t got in – I missed four points in my total to get in….
  • Started worrying about my up coming fall – job situation, could I move to live on my own?…
  • Animecon, trip to Kotka, then the Kotka’s Maritime festivals with my ex and friends

August 2013

  • Got my job contract continued by a year
  • Got my own apartment and moved in it at 15.8.2013

September 2013

  • Started planning about entrance exam for that fall
  • Started a bulk
  • Met someone, who turned out to be a really special person

Kuva1October 2013

  • Started getting ready for a new exam
  • Started having problems at hip and neck. I had this problem with moving my head and swallowing food. Nothing big yet, so didn’t give it much of a thought.
  • Went out with my dear girlfriend and had an awesome night at the town!
  • Bodywise – I looked the best I’ve looked at October. Seriously. SO DAMN CLOSE to have had ripped abs.


November 2013

  • The hip and neck problem got worse. Went to a doc, got it sorted out. by December.


December 2013

  • The most hectic and stressful time at the job. A lot of overtime, dinners and meetings. Almost 0 workouts. Feeling really bad. Thank god I was on the bulk.
  • Had “black Christmas” and new LoTR Blueray box and Despicable me Blueray yay ^.^
  • Had an awesome New years eve with three of my friends


So there you have it in a nutshell. What a year it was loads of ups and downs – mostly downs – but hey, I made through it! Now all of this is in my past and I’m heading to year 2014 full speed. I already listed my top 3 things for this year but for reminding myself I’ll do it again:

Saerwen’s goals for the year 2014!


2. Get in to school – finally

3. Lose some fat and get my bf around 20%

4. Live life

Someone who has read my blogs before notice that I added one. Yes. LIVE LIFE. With all these pains and rough rouds I’ve learned that no matter what I need to find myself a time to relax and just understand that I can do what I’m about to do and be fine with my past. The last part ain’t easy trust me guys. In my life have happend so many things in such a short time that many says to me that I’ve already live almost one lifetime with my problems. But I’m not gonna settle. Nope. Even though I have questioned my reasons to get up early to go to work I still do it. It gets me forward. Because I can do it.

Now let’s all hope that this year brings me a bit more joy and luck than last year, because sure as hell I’m gonna fight for them!

Later guys!


Two months hiatus ~

Waz up guys?! Nothing much in here I can assure you. 


So the GHOGH ended up after two months of almost failing it but hold it on as long as I could. I had some major issues with my health and things happening in my personal life so I decided to focus on them fully and get my head back together. It really isn’t but at least I feel like getting back on track with my life and working out. 


I’ve gained few fat kilos and I’m actually fine with them. I thought I could go way worse during this time, but occasional sessions with my barbell set and some good lunches here and there kept me going. Christmas is on our doorsteps and I’m gonna enjoy it and then look the year 2014 with new eyes and goals. 


My goals for next year are: 


2. Get in to school – finally

3. Lose some fat and get my bf around 20%


They don’t sound so bad now when I list them, don’t they? I know that the second goal is gonna be the hardest one. Just started to look up my material that I need to study till May and let me say – I’m a bit freaking out. I want to get into school so bad. I wanna move on with my life. I feel like I’m missing something, I feel like I’m dragging myself towards… Well, nothingness. And it ain’t a good feeling. 


I’m gonna do somekind of “Look back of the year 2013” since this year hold more for me than I ever thought. 


Keep rocking guys! 




GHOGH Week 6 ~ The back problem continues and the gainz so far

So the week 6 behind of my ‘Go heavy or go home’ weightlifting program which general idea was just to start lifting heavier on certain moves.

As many of you might have noticed I haven’t been able to do DL’s in a month and now my rows are on the line also. My back has inflamed and I’ve been trying my hardest to let it rest as much as I can. But it is so damn hard! It’s holiday season starting here today – Monday, 14 October – so for example my floorball practices are off this week.

So I’m gonna focus on the week 7 to really do all the exercises I’ve been planning ‘to do heavier’. Also I’ve been able to do some squats lately (!) so I’ll be focusing on my legs and butt a bit more.

Well now I think everybody is wondering have I gain any results since this past two months have been so rough? I have. I feel more fit and stronger even though it might not show so much. My pr on ohp is over 20kg and that’s A LOT to me. Row is around 45kg and I did DL my own weight a month ago so I take all those things as a positive thing.

But like I’ve said I’ll be doing this program over Christmas and there’s still a lot to go. My main goal now is to make my very best with that ohp AND get visible abs somekind. Three months to do it? I’m up for it!

GHOGH Week 5


So yeah. Been able to do some great wo’s through out this week even though I had to drop the DL’s and rows off for now.

Did some serious shopping also this week to ease the emotional pain that I’ve had lately a lot. Guash I love underwear stuff♥ Haha. Not shoes this time.



Later guys!


The awesome life of being a secretary


You get for free a new leather jacket. Nice!

“Go heavy or go home” week 2, 3 & 4: The rough start continues

Okay so there’s the vblog about the week 2 and about the week 3 I’m gonna just sum it up here.

So my lower back started to really hurt last weekend. I think It got jammed somehow really badly since I couldn’t bent over or do stuff like that at all at the beginning of this week. I went to my physio on Wednesday and asked her opinnion about it. I told her that I thought it was just jammed up muscle but she told me that it can also very well be a flare up.

I won’t lie to you guys this is REALLY eating me up now. A month behind of what should be my new program and I should have tons of new PR’s under my belt but I’ve been barely even sticking to it since I don’t want to make things worse. And the stress at work is also bugging me a lot lately. I feel tired all the time. But there’s been something good in my life also, like some of you may know. But still.

It’s just hard since this time of year I feel sick by my joints all the time and now all this added up it’s really eating my confidence also. I love working out. It’s my way of gettin’ the shit out of my system and get that a few hours of emptiness in my mind. Now I haven’t really got it and I would be going insane if I wouldn’t have such an amazing company by nights. It really is odd to feel like once in your life, after a really bad year, you kind of feel like living again. Minus the body that just wants to fuck me up all the time.

Oh well, you never win anything by whining if you ask me. So my back feels a bit better, I’m gonna hit my floorball practices tomorrow and just feel how it goes. If it goes well then I might do my back routine also tomorrow. Haven’t done DL’s since EVER and I miss them so god damn much. Haha.

Later guys!

First update on my “Go heavy or go home”, new weigtlifting program!

I know my English ain’t good so I’ll translate some of my feelings here as well.

So yeah, I sprang something at my lower back at my floorball practices and it still hurts like hell.So I’m just trying to relax now and hope that it’s just some muscles jammed up or such. I have two dance classes coming up in a row tomorrow so I REEAALLY hope that it goes away after a good night sleep and some heat packages.

My program is gonna be focused on a few exercises that I’ll try consistently get better and lift more and more. Due to my on going problems in my hip socket we decided that squatting heavy ain’t my goal now and I’m gonna just focus on doing some leg movements and strenghtning my hipsocket that way.

So now let’s just all hope that his pain starts to ease tomorrow or it’s gonna be a long recovery for me again. EFFFFF—

What’s been going on?!

That’s the question I have had heard so many times that it kills me. And since all the wrong people have done the asking it bothers me even more.

So what has been going on?! To be honest with you guys, not much. Just that I didn’t get into school, I spend my whole summer working, my RA flare up and messed up my right wrist for good and I had a mental break down. Many things in life weren’t suppose to be easy but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish they would be. Just a little.

But like everything in my life show must go on. It seems that I can keep my job for the next year or so, I have moved in my own apartment and I have my re-applying plans to school scheduled. Still, I find myself wondering why am I feeling this hollow?

Like everything in my life shit happens to come all at once. Not just one drop at a time but the whole shit load of bad goods happens to like habit my head all at once. I’m good at multitasking, but trust me guys, even I have my limitations on it. And I HATE how everyone keeps saying “You’ll be fine” “It’s just a bad phase in your life” “You have so much good in your life, look at it!”…. What if I don’t want to be fine? What if it’s actually FINE to NOT BE FINE for awhile?! I’ve never get that. Why can’t you just work through the pain, dwell on it a sec and then just lift your head up from it?

“Because not everybody can Kat”, my online friend told me when I suddenly opened up to him. “If you let someone fell in that rabbit hole they might not get back. You might, but they might not so it’s easier to say the positive thing.”

Sometimes I do think that it would be easier to just fell in that black little space in my head and forget everything. And then I look at myself in the mirror and I can’t do it. Call me selfish but I love myself too much to do it. I remember when they told me as a kid that I was depressed and that they wanted me to see this nice Mr at school so I can talk about my feelings. They always said how my thoughts sounded like someone way mature than me. That how a little girl can identify herself so effortlessly to 40 something guy who had just lost his kids and was running away (he was referring this novel I wrote in school about a guy who robbed a bank to get money for his kids and plaaplaa long story). He was amazed and asked me how I did it. I shook my head said “Idk. I just like to think stuff.” Even today, thinking back “me” sitting on that chair in front of that Mr and saying those words make me smile. Because it’s so true. And so simple. I just like to think stuff.

Even when I’m in pain I still manage to find the good in it – I can always spend a day eating ice cream and watching how House can express how I truly feel towards everyone. And still be witty and hawt as fuck. Heh. Only difference from the depression I’m feeling now and the depression I felt as a kid is the support – I really have none besides my thinking. If I couldn’t process all this in my head it would explode. I can name with one hand’s fingers all the person I can somehow talk irl about this. Because sometimes it’s easier to talk someone online who just happens to gone through the same thing and has way more things to give me than my friends. I can’t expect all my friends to think a lot of stuff. That’s why I have my stories and friends online. They are my modern day shrinks so to say : D And I know they don’t like me saying this but hey… I love you guys anyways so you just have to deal with it. Haha.

Ohhh it’s so late here and I just jabbed for ages. But I wanted to let this out. There is so many people I wish I could have courage to thank. And so many of you guys I have feelings I never even thought I would have for a person I just chat occasionally. Needless to say you are part of my rock that I’ve build through these past hard months and I thank you guys. Not to name anyone, but I wish all of you who reads this knows it in their hearts. I hate to be emotional so I’ll stop now and get back with you guys probably later on this week about my new program and upcoming vblog – which might happend I’m still not sure haha.


Beauty of our nature

So I didn’t really take much of a pictures about the destination where I was at 7-9.6. but on our way home I took more than enough. These are taken inside the car so the quality ain’t so well but you get to see the glimpse of that glory what I witnessed on our way home. You can click the images to view them on a larger scale.

Enjoy guys!


The art of dealing with expectations

<a href=””>Seuraa blogiani Bloglovinin avulla</a>

There are several reasons why I go to the gym rarely and have the privilege to be able to workout inside my own house. Reasons like money, time, distance, don’t like people staring at me etc, etc. But probably one of the major reasons is my illness and how unpredictable it can be.

Not only I battle with arthritis everyday I suffer another chronic pain due to some shit that went down in my life – you can read it from my page if ya feel to up there “The broken curtain call” if you’re up to some really raw inside view of really heinous fuck ups in human body. You’ve been warned

I’ve been on this journey to let myself go of the past and just be fine with the fact that I had some intestinal shit and I’ll have it till the rest of my life. It ain’t the topic to be discussed about with everyone but it is still a huge part of my life.

I have significantly lower voice than any regular woman. All this is due to my chronic acid reflux that I’ve battle since my early childhood. I can’t eat one/two hours before lifting because if I lift with full stomach it’ll all come up in an instant. Nice? Not really. And it burns. It literally burns your esophagus and vocal chords.

I’ve had problems with my bowels since I can remember but due to some circumstances doctors have never been able to pinpoint what’s exactly wrong. At one point as a child I stopped eating since my stomach was in pain constantly. I’ve been examined so many times and so many ways that I can’t even remember all of the procedures. I have had all the classical symptoms of Crohn’s disease  but they’ve never been able to diagnose it ’cause the meds I take for my RA works also to Crohn’s. In my mind I know I have it or something similar and I just try to live the way that it won’t get irritated as it did in junior high school – constant stomach pain through the last year. Nothing helped.













And yet all these things feels so minor when I compare them to arthritis, how it keeps trying to put me down again and again. Not only I can keep all the above things in secret but this I can’t. Even when I applied to study this spring I had to inform the school that I have this “disability” as they call it and I needed to do the extra work to just prove that I could study in the field I’ve chosen to apply. I’ll need medical certificate and talk about my current health and future with the teachers there. It’s like no matter what I do I’ll always be the one with the disadvantage.

The one who might get sick in future.

The one who might not be able to do this job in a long hall.

But y’know what? I’m up for the challenge. To get even an invite to that exam – which means I’m 1/3 of the applicants who did! – was a one small but great victory to me. I cried when my sister called me and told me that the  mailman had remembered me. I had to sat down, cry and smile. And all I was thinking “Now it’s up to me. I can do this!”

I’ve fought this fight for over 12 years and will battle it till my dying days. I have prove some of them already wrong. This illness is so individual and mine has been under a great control for the past years – minus these few bumps in the road but hey, it’s like someone having a really bad cold and can’t workout or go to work right? But I won’t lie to you – this fight is really tiring. It won’t even start or stop, it’s continuous fight of proving everyone wrong.

















To prove them that I can do WHAT I SAY I can do.

I know my limits. I know the horror pictures that people have created for my future. I know them all. But I also know how you can over come them. How you can try to avoid them. How I work every single day to be able to function as any one of you. And I hope, I really do hope, that someday all of this will be worth it. All the pains and aches in the gym when you feel like your muscles are ready for more but my joints ain’t. How I need to be patient and let my body recover after a flare up.

Every time I grab that bar and deadlift I feel like my knuckles are gonna fall in to pieces – but the pain is worth it. Even when the weight can’t never be my maximum it’s still weight. And that weight is far easier to lift even with a little pain than the expectations and discouragement I face everyday.














Hope you all have a nice Saturday! Just thought I should let my feelings out. Let me know what you thought about the text!


The second home – Missing every moment of it

I’ve always enjoyed working out since it’s always been” my thing”. Since I got diagnosed at the age of 8 with rheumatoid arthritis exercising and being active has been huge part of my life. I kind of grew up to liking it since I can still remember all those annoying group classes at the rehabilitation center that I hated to be participated in. But like my physio told me then and there “It’s not only good for your health but your mind to try things out of your comfort zone, just for once”. So true.

Now, almost 12 years later, I can still remember those words which my physio told me when I was having my tantrum about going and doing some group pilates class at the age of 10 or 11. With her pushing and the help with everyone else that were “forced” to participate I thank them a lot. I miss them. All of them. Some of you may not know but we had here in Finland one of the leading hospitals for rheumatoid arthritis patients and everyone who had something similar condition. Then the government decided at the spring 2010 that it won’t finance the rehabilitation patients in there and it wanted to publicly ask for bids for providing some service from any other rehabilitation center.

I’ve never felt so lost than I felt then. I felt like I was being abandon – being able to go there almost 10 years to same doctor to same physio and have same people taking care of me was so easy! They knew me as a person not as a name on the paper. I remember how I woke up one morning to leave to breakfast and my doctor came across me the hallway with her coffee cup in other hand and papers on the other and she greeted me “Good morning girl! Did you sleep well?” I mean how many places does that really happen, IN HOSPITAL?! It never felt like hospital to me. I spend so much time there that it literally became like my second home. I had the same nurse almost every time I went there and we talked about our lives not only me and my illness.

Not to mention all the friends I’ve made there and I saw regular basis on there since they came from there all around Finland.

The doctor that I had there was the best. She never told me I couldn’t do something. When I expressed that I wanted to try to be a firefighter everyone – including my mom and dad – were horrified and tried to talk me out of it. When we sat down with my doc she looked me in the eyes and said “Kat, I don’t ever wanna tell you that you can’t do something. You can do anything you want, but hope you understand why everyone is so concerned about your dream?” I nodded shyly when she talk to my parents and then she looked at me again and I saw how her eyes were tearing up. “I don’t want to crush anyone dreams and especially not yours. You’re now in excellent condition and if you want I’ll write you that kind of papers that after that it’s up to you if you get in.”

Those words are still very clear in my mind after so many years. How she almost started crying and emphasized how she never wanted to tell me not to try. She truly cared about me but also knew that then and there I could have been able to try and maybe succeed. And that she would have gave me her full support. I didn’t get it then but now when I think of it it makes me feel like I wanna cry – she believed in me when no one else did. And I would need that kind of support still.

The last week just before they went down I was there for a week. The last Thursday that my nurse was on her shift since she had Friday off was awful. When she came to me at the hallway I knew it was the goodbye time – and I totally broke down. Even before she reached out to me to hug me I was already crying and saying “This ain’t fair”. It wasn’t. It still ain’t. So many things were left to say.

I never got to thank my physiotherapist there, since she wasn’t there during that last week. It eats me up the most since she was the one who really got me into being active and challenged this stubborn little kid. We didn’t always see eye to eye – well, we rarely saw eye to eye haha – but her courage and patience with me was amazing. She made me attend the most awfullest group things were I was like the only under 50 person and etc etc. But in between those sessions she thought me probably the most important thing I ever could have learned: it doesn’t matter what you do, when you do or at which age – as long as you do SOMETHING. If I could just shout out and let her know how much I appreciate her hard work I would so do it!

I owe a huge thanks to the whole staff of our section in that building. All the nurses, all the physiotherapists, ophthalmologist, occupational therapist, dentists, doctors, you name them. Without those ten years with the best care of the whole wide world I would have never got this good chance to be as healthy and live a normal life as possible. I’m living prove what early prevention can be at it’s best. People can’t see outside of me that I have something as hard to deal with as RA and yet I still find myself struggle the most common things that I struggled at the age of 8.

You never know how good the things are until you loose them for good.


The wasteland of memories

I stared at the sealing, hoping to find an exit out of here. Never seen such a dull white sea of panels. Full of tiny little holes. Full of memories. Full of fears.

Something was pounding on my chest furiously. I felt how it made me almost twitch by it force. My heart? It’s still alive?

Dreamingly I gazed the clock and empty hall way. Let out a silent sigh. Felt like my skin was rapidly melting of by tingling it’s way out of my meat and bones. I sighed again. A new fear. A new memory.

Somehow my sight caught up the long black machine that just came to hallway. So deep black. It looked almost so innocent at the hands of a small woman. Gazing my hands in my lap I saw sweat pouring out of them. Making the skin feel sticky and moist.

Cold. I felt cold.

‘Happy thoughts’, they said ‘think about happy thoughts and you’ll be fine!’ I shivered. Smelled the death. I’m better than this. I don’t need to take it on me anymore.

I got up and started to slowly walk away from my chair. My good old chair.

Heard the small lady behind me yelling. Grunting. Yelling again. I stopped and turned to look at her. She was still holding the machine. She was bleeding from her eyes and mouth. She looked at me, begging almost, offering the handle of the machine to me.

‘This is why you came here, right?! To meet your fear again, right?!’ Evil grin decorated that pale bleeding face, when she cried her blood out. I looked at the machine. I looked at the woman. She was suffering, but the glimpse of hope was still in those eyes – letting go and never coming back. Then I saw how the fear had entwined around that glimpse of hope, slowly suffocating it by its force. And the hope faded even more when she noticed that I’ve done what she couldn’t.


Finally, I shook my head for no.


Her eyes rolled inside her head so, that the whites were the only thing I saw before I turned my back to her and continued walking. She moaned and started to cry in agony.


‘It’s your burden from now on. I will not carry it along side of me anymore.’ Her voice got louder and she grunted like dying men did.


And I smiled for the first time in months.

WARNING! Not for weak minded

Damn it’s warm outside!

My morning walk. Click the pictures if you want to see the whole beauty.

And I have upper body doms, finally! Missed you guys! ♥ Haha.

Maria Saerwen

It’s a long and lonely road when you know you walk alone. ~

Last Friday I was heading to my friends house at her birthday party. I promised to my other friend that I’ll pick her up and then we’ll drive there together. As we were driving to our friends house she started telling me how she was so pissed off to her parents since they weren’t believing that she’d make it as a paramedic which she had just applied to study. Since she was afraid of needles everyone kept telling her that she won’t make it.

I felt for her. As a person who everyone has always told that I can’t do this and I can’t do that I knew what she was talking about. And since I was applying to study myself also I’ve had heard more than enough my fair share of this. I couldn’t be physiotherapist since I have rheumatoid arthritis and I couldn’t make it since my body can’t handle it. I could have a hard time opening those pill bottles as a pharmacist so that’s why I might not make a good pharmacist either! Even when I did the online applying there were this small little box that I needed to put a cross on since ‘I might have some limitations, chronic illness or etc that could effect on my work’.

I don’t want to bitch but at least she didn’t need to do that and then pay yourself sick to get a paper from your doctor – who btw doubts you too – that you are enough healthy to sit on your butt and move around without any help. I’ve burned my bagels so many times with this topic that I can only laugh at it anymore. There’s no one around me that believes 100% that I could make it. And it sometimes eats up my own confidence towards it.

And let me just ask – who can predict the future? I can’t and I know there ain’t too many people who even think they can. I just have this feeling that since I have one variable in my formula more than other’s it’ll make me automatically the worst one for the job? Person, who spends more hours taking care of her health than average human being, is still lesser being compare to everyone else so called healthy and limitationsless applicants?

If you ask me, then they should consider smokers and overweight people as ones with ‘limitations’ as well. At least I didn’t get the chance to choose to be chronicle ill for the rest of my life.

And I don’t mean to be rude towards smokers or overweight people or etc. But when I’m in this kind of situation and up to be evaluated I can’t help but to feel like I ain’t the only one who should be scanned thoroughly.

Maybe that’s why I’m grumpy and a bit rude to people when they talk to me these days. Maybe I’m just tired of proving myself all day every day. Maybe, just maybe, one day I could get someone in my family to understand that I know me and what I can do. That someone would believe in me and give me that extra boost when I need it the most. That one time someone would say to me that they are proud of me sticking to my guts and doing what I love. I know there are many things I’ll have to give up as time pass, but not now. Not yet. So is it too much then to ask to be living in the moment and not in the fear of future?

But since the other choice is to give up there ain’t – in my mind – any other choice than suck it up and keep on going.

And prove everyone wrong! Including the doubtful side of me, that people have planted in me.



Maria Saerwen

Winter is… Coming?

Ehhmm yup, that is my KNEE you see there a bit…

“Oh hello! Why did you fell in when I didn’t?”

Took a trip to no where to clear my thoughts and take some photos as I love it so much. Finally starting to feel like I can survive this turmoil of mt life.

Maria Saerwen

What my life is now ~

– Pain meds, loose shoulder and aching hip
– Terrifyig office work as a secretary
– Red Dead Redemption
– Pain
– Working out
– Studying
– More pain
– More working out
– More studying
– Chatting with mah girls
– Shaking my booty to jive, cha cha, etc
– Mi gorda Bella

Here my life in nutshell. Sorry, been too busy to even update my blog. Gonna change it now!



When you need to be strong – but you don’t want to be

I have been seriously slacking pretty much in everything in my life lately. With this blog, with everything. But I have my own reasons, which I will share some of them here, right now.


Usually when the s*it comes down in my life it happens in a big way – it’s all or nothing with me. Not like one bad thing there, another one here, etc. Usually when the bad things hit me they hit all at once and this time was no different to the others. So my health started to show her temper when she didn’t wanted me to practice my split nor my squats.

Let’s make her hip joints inflame and she won’t even walk, now how about that?!

… You cruel bastard.

So yeah, my hips started to show sings of inflammation and serious pain when ever I moved. My right wrist got so stiffed that I could barely move it. I had to eat up my fears and go to my med store and start popping pills like Dr. House but in female version. I killed the biggest pain and was able to move again, thank God.

Then my many years long relationship had met its end. Like there wasn’t things going enough bad way this had to happen right now. Feeling so alone with everything I was so close to fall apart and start really popping pills to kill my emotional feelings as well. I was afraid of loosing control over everything, I needed to work and start to study for my entrance exams and…

But going through rough times before the survivor me took over and kept me from not falling into wrong path. With many tears and brutal mornings when I fought myself out of that bed I finally feel like I can breath again.

Sore feeling and sore body, but still moving on. Laughing with my ex and remembering our path I felt good that we could still be friends and work things out. I was able to open my books and start to study. Working out my core and rows I show the f*ck off to my body that it was me who was control, not her.


That’s the way you think, but wait and see–?!

Oh shut up already would ya?!


And I even singed up for basic salsa lessons for this spring. So life goes on, even with a steps you won’t see or don’t want to see.


I promise to write something nice next time!

Maria Saerwen