The fear of yourself
I’ve been pondering this thing over the last few months or so. Not only I’ve started a new relationship I’ve had a lot health things going on. And the people that really know me understand that when I’m sick I concentrate 100% on my well-being and nothing else. That’s probably the reason why I’ve lost so many great friends over the years – they just don’t understand it.
I don’t like to talk about my personal life since I feel like it’s all I have left in my exposed life with these illnesses and everything. I try to keep the talk on the matter and not discuss at the office’s coffee table about what I’m planning to do on the weekend. Some people understand it, some don’t. A lot of times people see me as a really mysterious and cautious person. Then the other part of people don’t even know what I’m going through and think that I’m perfectly normal garl in her 20’s. I dreaded that I should have to talk about what I’ve been through with total strangers. Why would I? Every time people ask me about my background I could feel the butterflies in my stomach.
But I’ve learnt over the years that I wasn’t afraid of everyone else’s opinions about me. No. I had this huge fear of myself. I weren’t came to grips with what had happened to me. I was ashamed for a long time. Then I met Stascia. I had this sudden courage to speak out loud to her after I’ve read her story. At one night I did. I could feel how she spread her courage in me and couple months afterwards I asked her if she would like to read my story and make the necessary changes to it so it would came out good. And the rest you can read here on the page “The broken curtain call”.
I’m currently at work about to take off and start my weekend. These past few months got me thinking that time when I kind of came out with my story and let myself have a peace. I don’t fear myself anymore. I’ve accepted the facts and moved on. Do I feel bitter at time to times? I do, I’m not gonna lie. All the pains and aches I feel these days are just cruel reminders of my past that try time to time bring my mood down. But I won’t let it happen. I can’t. It’ll be the end of me and I don’t want that. I wanna see what life has to offer me and even though as a bit of pessimist I’ll try to see the good in it.
It’s so strange these days to see that old fear raising its head about the most odd things. I guess you can’t never truly erase any fear, but you can always fight back.