The art of dealing with expectations
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There are several reasons why I go to the gym rarely and have the privilege to be able to workout inside my own house. Reasons like money, time, distance, don’t like people staring at me etc, etc. But probably one of the major reasons is my illness and how unpredictable it can be.
Not only I battle with arthritis everyday I suffer another chronic pain due to some shit that went down in my life – you can read it from my page if ya feel to up there “The broken curtain call” if you’re up to some really raw inside view of really heinous fuck ups in human body. You’ve been warned
I’ve been on this journey to let myself go of the past and just be fine with the fact that I had some intestinal shit and I’ll have it till the rest of my life. It ain’t the topic to be discussed about with everyone but it is still a huge part of my life.
I have significantly lower voice than any regular woman. All this is due to my chronic acid reflux that I’ve battle since my early childhood. I can’t eat one/two hours before lifting because if I lift with full stomach it’ll all come up in an instant. Nice? Not really. And it burns. It literally burns your esophagus and vocal chords.
I’ve had problems with my bowels since I can remember but due to some circumstances doctors have never been able to pinpoint what’s exactly wrong. At one point as a child I stopped eating since my stomach was in pain constantly. I’ve been examined so many times and so many ways that I can’t even remember all of the procedures. I have had all the classical symptoms of Crohn’s disease but they’ve never been able to diagnose it ’cause the meds I take for my RA works also to Crohn’s. In my mind I know I have it or something similar and I just try to live the way that it won’t get irritated as it did in junior high school – constant stomach pain through the last year. Nothing helped.
And yet all these things feels so minor when I compare them to arthritis, how it keeps trying to put me down again and again. Not only I can keep all the above things in secret but this I can’t. Even when I applied to study this spring I had to inform the school that I have this “disability” as they call it and I needed to do the extra work to just prove that I could study in the field I’ve chosen to apply. I’ll need medical certificate and talk about my current health and future with the teachers there. It’s like no matter what I do I’ll always be the one with the disadvantage.
The one who might get sick in future.
The one who might not be able to do this job in a long hall.
But y’know what? I’m up for the challenge. To get even an invite to that exam – which means I’m 1/3 of the applicants who did! – was a one small but great victory to me. I cried when my sister called me and told me that the mailman had remembered me. I had to sat down, cry and smile. And all I was thinking “Now it’s up to me. I can do this!”
I’ve fought this fight for over 12 years and will battle it till my dying days. I have prove some of them already wrong. This illness is so individual and mine has been under a great control for the past years – minus these few bumps in the road but hey, it’s like someone having a really bad cold and can’t workout or go to work right? But I won’t lie to you – this fight is really tiring. It won’t even start or stop, it’s continuous fight of proving everyone wrong.
To prove them that I can do WHAT I SAY I can do.
I know my limits. I know the horror pictures that people have created for my future. I know them all. But I also know how you can over come them. How you can try to avoid them. How I work every single day to be able to function as any one of you. And I hope, I really do hope, that someday all of this will be worth it. All the pains and aches in the gym when you feel like your muscles are ready for more but my joints ain’t. How I need to be patient and let my body recover after a flare up.
Every time I grab that bar and deadlift I feel like my knuckles are gonna fall in to pieces – but the pain is worth it. Even when the weight can’t never be my maximum it’s still weight. And that weight is far easier to lift even with a little pain than the expectations and discouragement I face everyday.
Hope you all have a nice Saturday! Just thought I should let my feelings out. Let me know what you thought about the text!
This entry was posted on 1.6.2013 by Maria Saerwen. It was filed under Ei kategoriaa and was tagged with motivational, pain, quotes, rheumatoid arthritis, stomach pain, studying, thoughts, working out.