It’s a long and lonely road when you know you walk alone. ~
Last Friday I was heading to my friends house at her birthday party. I promised to my other friend that I’ll pick her up and then we’ll drive there together. As we were driving to our friends house she started telling me how she was so pissed off to her parents since they weren’t believing that she’d make it as a paramedic which she had just applied to study. Since she was afraid of needles everyone kept telling her that she won’t make it.
I felt for her. As a person who everyone has always told that I can’t do this and I can’t do that I knew what she was talking about. And since I was applying to study myself also I’ve had heard more than enough my fair share of this. I couldn’t be physiotherapist since I have rheumatoid arthritis and I couldn’t make it since my body can’t handle it. I could have a hard time opening those pill bottles as a pharmacist so that’s why I might not make a good pharmacist either! Even when I did the online applying there were this small little box that I needed to put a cross on since ‘I might have some limitations, chronic illness or etc that could effect on my work’.
I don’t want to bitch but at least she didn’t need to do that and then pay yourself sick to get a paper from your doctor – who btw doubts you too – that you are enough healthy to sit on your butt and move around without any help. I’ve burned my bagels so many times with this topic that I can only laugh at it anymore. There’s no one around me that believes 100% that I could make it. And it sometimes eats up my own confidence towards it.
And let me just ask – who can predict the future? I can’t and I know there ain’t too many people who even think they can. I just have this feeling that since I have one variable in my formula more than other’s it’ll make me automatically the worst one for the job? Person, who spends more hours taking care of her health than average human being, is still lesser being compare to everyone else so called healthy and limitationsless applicants?
If you ask me, then they should consider smokers and overweight people as ones with ‘limitations’ as well. At least I didn’t get the chance to choose to be chronicle ill for the rest of my life.
And I don’t mean to be rude towards smokers or overweight people or etc. But when I’m in this kind of situation and up to be evaluated I can’t help but to feel like I ain’t the only one who should be scanned thoroughly.
Maybe that’s why I’m grumpy and a bit rude to people when they talk to me these days. Maybe I’m just tired of proving myself all day every day. Maybe, just maybe, one day I could get someone in my family to understand that I know me and what I can do. That someone would believe in me and give me that extra boost when I need it the most. That one time someone would say to me that they are proud of me sticking to my guts and doing what I love. I know there are many things I’ll have to give up as time pass, but not now. Not yet. So is it too much then to ask to be living in the moment and not in the fear of future?
But since the other choice is to give up there ain’t – in my mind – any other choice than suck it up and keep on going.
And prove everyone wrong! Including the doubtful side of me, that people have planted in me.