Change your mind ~ change your body

Archive for February, 2013

When you need to be strong – but you don’t want to be

I have been seriously slacking pretty much in everything in my life lately. With this blog, with everything. But I have my own reasons, which I will share some of them here, right now.


Usually when the s*it comes down in my life it happens in a big way – it’s all or nothing with me. Not like one bad thing there, another one here, etc. Usually when the bad things hit me they hit all at once and this time was no different to the others. So my health started to show her temper when she didn’t wanted me to practice my split nor my squats.

Let’s make her hip joints inflame and she won’t even walk, now how about that?!

… You cruel bastard.

So yeah, my hips started to show sings of inflammation and serious pain when ever I moved. My right wrist got so stiffed that I could barely move it. I had to eat up my fears and go to my med store and start popping pills like Dr. House but in female version. I killed the biggest pain and was able to move again, thank God.

Then my many years long relationship had met its end. Like there wasn’t things going enough bad way this had to happen right now. Feeling so alone with everything I was so close to fall apart and start really popping pills to kill my emotional feelings as well. I was afraid of loosing control over everything, I needed to work and start to study for my entrance exams and…

But going through rough times before the survivor me took over and kept me from not falling into wrong path. With many tears and brutal mornings when I fought myself out of that bed I finally feel like I can breath again.

Sore feeling and sore body, but still moving on. Laughing with my ex and remembering our path I felt good that we could still be friends and work things out. I was able to open my books and start to study. Working out my core and rows I show the f*ck off to my body that it was me who was control, not her.


That’s the way you think, but wait and see–?!

Oh shut up already would ya?!


And I even singed up for basic salsa lessons for this spring. So life goes on, even with a steps you won’t see or don’t want to see.


I promise to write something nice next time!

Maria Saerwen

Help – when do you really need it?

I ran into this odd conflict in my life past week and I thought I should share my feelings about it.

I was normally going to grocery shopping to buy something to eat after my day at work. I chose my items quickly and headed to the counters. While I was waiting in line patiently my turn I noticed that in next line where this elder woman who just came to wait in the line. Before her was this girl, about my age, holding her own shopping’s still in hand. Then the elder woman just passed her, without even asking if it was okey and started to pile her groceries on the line. Girl looked at the woman baffled and told her politely that she can’t do that, that she was there first. The woman looked at her, sniffed and said out loud – and I QUOTE everything she said – “I have a bad back and I can’t just stand here waiting. You have so minor purchases and young back that you can stand and wait a little longer.”

Then it was my turn at the counter so I didn’t see or hear at minutes what had happened, but when I was leaving I noticed that the girl let the woman go first while she tried to hide her annoyed facial expression.

This thing got me thinking. I have never had an urge to plead about my medical background in anything. Even when I’m half dead, dragging my left leg along with me while using headrest and getting everybody stare at me and looking at me like I’m some kind of a freak. I have never wanted to take anything the easy way, when maybe I should have sometimes. I have had encounters where people have offered me their help when I have had my wrist worked up and I can barely get that coffee cup from shell to my tray at cafeteria line. And that is totally fine and awfully generous from other people to me.

But I haven’t never used it to get anything easier or more convenient  Why would I? Why would anyone do that? I firmly believe that when you’re at your weakest you’re way more empowered than you feel and show. You just need to do that little effort, break out your comfort zone and just do it. There’s nothing wrong about asking for help, but you need to know when your asking for it just because it’s easy – and you can -, and when you really need it.

Maria Saerwen